I met a married couple who have been together for more than 30 years, they shared good and bad days and a strong bond until the husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I always knew him as an exciter lighthearted chatter, affectionate and exceptionally devoted man.
This type of cancer is also called “the silent killer”. By the time there are symptoms, it is too late. A quick chit chat with my doctor broadened my horizon. Prostate Cancer Symptom Scale (PCSS) can affect sex life, the mind, the body, and the entire relationship. His wife thought it is just a situation that will be dealt with effortlessly. She explained to me what happened to her husband on androgen deprivation therapy or hormone therapy. It is a treatment that stops the male hormone testosterone from being produced or reaching prostate cancer cells which rely on it to grow.
On prostatecanceruk.org, I read that this treatment’s side effect varies from loss of muscle mass, to hot flashes, fatigue, and loss of sex drive among many others.
I asked her about how she feels, her answer was that she is using humor to diffuse tension, it was awkward at the beginning to joke about it, but as time passed by it has become the protective shield of her husband’s sufferings.
She believes that laughing in the face of grim news is a healing tactic for both.
She remembers the first time her husband went for a checkup. He was worried about every single instrument the doctor was using, even looking at the doctor’s hands to make sure they are small enough to fit in.
He was in total disbelieve after being diagnosed and wanted to have a second and third opinion, until it was confirmed.
Prostate cancer is not funny, it is a serious illness, one must deal with incontinence and impotence among many other things.
During his long-lasting treatment, he used to wake up in the middle of the night to pee several times. “Pee or not to pee” became the tiring night slogan. “Thank God that the size of the cancer was a kitty cat one otherwise we wouldn’t be sitting here joking about it,” she added. The specialist explained to her that when the man is sexually aroused, the brain sends signals to the penis nerves. The nerves then cause blood flow making it hard. Anything that interferes with these nerves will affect the libido, making it difficult to get or keep an erection.
“Imagine, he started nagging about everything, like if swimming was a good exercise how come whales exist, about shrinking penis and testicles, and breast size enlargement instead of it happening somewhere else.” He also needs to watch out what he eats and drinks and make sure he leads a healthy lifestyle. She had to adapt her grocery list, but the ironic thing is that he started craving for the wrong meals!
“I used to complain a lot from headaches and now he does it. Our entire morning conversation is based on his illness status quo, totally new language for us”. They say that we can handle health problems better if we understand them. And since humor is well accepted to be a powerful medicine, humorous knowledge could even be therapeutic!
I assume that many women are not bothered by the increased sensitivity and irritability that their partners develop post diagnoses. I am just concerned about how long they can manage the stress. It is not the weight of the glass that matters here, it is for how long you can keep on holding it in your hand. The longer you hold it the heavier it seems to become, so from time to time put it down for a while and take a deep breath.
It is extremely important to communicate about a post prostate cancer relationship, ask for what is needed, maybe a hug or an affirmation of love will do the job.
Do not take life too seriously. You will not get out of it alive anyway! © ReinaSankari 2020
Cheers
Twitter: @Reina Sankari
